Friday, November 15

An Internal Battle

We're trying to adjust to a Monday-Friday work week over here.  And phew, TGIF.

I love the hours, and the opportunity to be home every night for dinner, but this toddler is starting to fall behind on sleep, and I think we all know the reality of a sleep-deprived two year old :(  We've definitely got some nap time adjustments to make with the babysitter, and some bedtime changes on our end.  I just keep praying I made the right decision.

I was listening to the ever-lived debate between stay-at-home Mom's and the working Mom via Dr. Laura on the radio last night, as I was driving my sleeping toddler home after my work day.  I seriously can't believe how deep that reality resonates.  Her view:  daycare-raised children are neglected, period.  The human race was designed to be raised by a loving, always-present Mother, not by an institution of several different caregivers.   And the worst part of this argument?  I agree with her.  Whole-heartedly.

So this is my internal battle.  I feel an overwhelming need to be home with her, to cheer for every potty success, and put her down for every nap.  To discipline every wrongdoing and praise every success.  But I can't- it's just not in the cards for us, for our budget, for my immense student loan debt.  And that's a lot of why I took this new job, because I can get some debt repayment- a catalyst to a debt free day when I can work less, and be home more.

I remember my own Mom telling me while I was studying away for almost 6 years in college - "what if you want to stay home when you have children?" And at that point, I could not foresee the connection with a child, I could not imagine loving someone so much that I would give all of myself to them.  But man, do I wish I would have listened to her, really listened.

But I didn't, and here I am, many years later, a sweet, sweet little girl that God gave me as my own, and I'm shipping her off to the babysitter for forty hours each week.  Even though I smile and give myself to the patients I see daily, I long for something else.  My heart is pulling me home.  And I know that one day, I'll get there.  And honestly, that's what keeps me going- hope.

For now, it's Friday, and I'm thanking God that the US still lends the workweek a weekend, because I've got some major catching up to do with a certain two year old ;)

Have a great weekend.


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