Balance

My two-year-old's babysitter pulled me aside the other day, asking if I was okay.  As I was gathering her things, I laughed, "yes, of course. Why?" "Molly has been saying 'mummy's not happy' a bunch lately".  Stab.  I choked back tears as I put her half-empty sippy cup into her bag. "Oh, I'm fine".

I gave my Molly an extra-long smile while fastening her in her car seat, but my eyes were filled with tears the entire drive home.
My husband and I had a sit-down talk (you know, the one without a tv/iphone disruption and eyes locked on each other) that night, and he said he'd heard the same from her- "mummy's not happy".  If only I could view myself as concrete as my two-year-old.

So we made a pledge- to make some changes.  Some bigger than others.  But changes.  Because we need to find joy, I need to find joy.  For Molly, for my husband, for myself.
And I'm so glad this came at the brink of the new year- because I'm seeing so much about choosing a word for the year.  And I immediately thought of joy, but it doesn't fit.  Because I need to first find some balance before I can really work toward joy.

Balance.  Our challenge for the new year.

We're attempting some changes in search of it.  And instead of fighting what's stagnant, I'm going into 2014 in search of balance in my life, in what I've got.  Between the obvious career and home.  But also in parenting.  And finances.  And marriage.  And health.

I don't want to let myself lean so far in a direction that I have to fight to get back in balance.  I need more media fasts in place of quiet time with my daughter.  Instead of realizing it's been six months since a date with my husband, we're striving to balance our time together, alone, more often.  Instead of asking God for help only when I need it, I'm going to pray when all is well.  Instead of buying something we don't need, really budgeting to get rid of my student loan debt.  And instead of trying to fast away days worth of unhealthy eating- I'm going to try to balance healthy choices, each day.  In place of a week of workouts followed by one of laziness, I'm going to try to balance some physical activity each week.  I want to try to see friends and family more- not just on holidays.  And instead of treating our toddler to another new toy- an experience. So our memories can be in balance- some at home with familiar activities, others away with new experiences.

But I need to try and be the best wife and "mummy" before all else.  And I need to learn to set aside some other less important things to prioritize my foremost duties.  I'm going to learn to say no.  Not a hurtful "no", but when my plate is full, I'm going to stop trying to do more.

Because we've got to spend this life choosing joy, feeling happy.  Not overwhelmed and unhappy.

And because I want my daughter thinking - "my mummy's so happy!"

And I want her to remember me as happy, because I don't want impatience, resentment, fatigue and jealousy to be forefront in who I am.  I want to be a joyful person, full of faith and hope.

Here's to a new year full of hope and joy.
A year dedicated to finding balance.

xoxo,

Lisa